Paper Walls
by ellibobelli
Summary: NM,AU: Bella hasn't healed from the pain of Edward leaving, and doesn't expect she ever will; her hope shattered along with her human life. And when Bella does some things she isn't fond of, she wants to escape it all. Can Edward save Bella from herself?
1. Chapter 1

**I don't own anything. :)**

**Bella POV**

**xxx**

Edward, Edward, Edward…

_Are these going to my final thoughts? I hope not. Death is not something I'm afraid of – it's inevitable – but it's not something I'm looking forward to, either. Even when Edward – what's the point of not saying his name anymore? – left, even after months of shallow pain, I never once considered death to be an option to stop the hurt. Though I was only a ghost of a person, I didn't want to die. _

_I suppose coming here was a suicide attempt. _

_Wasn't Edward the one that told me there are more dangerous things out there – more dangerous than him? I had practically given myself over to the things that lurked in the corners and shadows of the woods._

Edward, Edward, Edward…

_And just my luck that Laurent is the more dangerous thing. He crouches, ready to spring, his lethal, venom-coated teeth glinting even without the sun showing. He's ready to kill. And all I can do is chant my love – my soul mate, my other half, my angel's – name in my head and cower in my boots._

Edward, I love you.

_I sigh and watch Laurent tense. _Edward…Edward…_ I ball my fists so tightly that my nails bite into my skin, leaving a mark. _Edward!

"_Dammit, Bella! You can't die!" Ah. The hallucination is back. His magical voice rings through my thoughts and I smile._

Edward, don't worry. I think it's for the better.

"_No!" it roars back at me._

"_I love you."_

_I didn't realize I said that out loud. My eyes flutter open – when did they close? – and I find Laurent growling. He's closer than he was. I take an involuntary step backward…he inches forward. Adrenaline bursts through my body, but I ignore it. Why run? He'd catch up with me faster than I could say "ow."_

Edward.

_My final thoughts. The last things to pass through my head…consciously, at least. I wish there is someway to stop Laurent from attacking, but maybe death is better for me._

"_No, Bella!" My hallucination. I smiled feebly, watching Laurent carefully, trying to predict his attack. My heart is beating so fast…I'm sure it sounded like running footsteps to vampire ears. _

I love you so much, Edward.

"_Bella!"_

_Laurent jumps toward me, bearing his teeth. There's no time to duck, no time to scream, no time to think coherently anymore. His teeth dig into my neck, and I wither back in pain, my voice lost. I was as good as dead._

_Wait…why _wasn't _I dead? Didn't he promise me something quick, painless? Fire abruptly explodes inside me, flowing through my veins. Burning my body. Where did it come from?! It hurts so bad…_

_Maybe this was Hell. That would explain the blaze, the pain, the fact that Edward isn't here…_

**xxx**

Three years I have been haunted by this memory. I wish – oh, I wish – I could call it a dream. I wish daily that I'll wake up from it, curled in my soft bed, nestled in…Edwards'…arms. Safe. Terrified, maybe, but safe. That, of course will never happen again, no matter how many shooting stars I see.

Three years. Three years. It shouldn't seem like a long time to someone such as me, but without your other half, your soul mate, three little years seem like an endless space.

Three years I have been testing my self control, trying so hard to drink only animal blood.

Three years I have been without him.

And three years I have been visiting their empty house.

Honestly, I didn't know why I was here…it only brought back the painful memories – the ones I try so hard to block – and create new, uncomfortable ones. It's inevitable, the pain from the memories, but I always somehow end up here. But now, the hole in my chest that never fully healed – and never really would, I suppose – ached so much harder. It was so _intense_, frankly. I could literally feel the hole breaking open, splintering at the seams, gaping in the middle. Harsh wounds like this cluttered my insides – the organs weren't used, so there was space – and throbbed for the strong embrace I've yearned for, for three years.

Three years.

I sighed, and stepped out from the cover of the trees, giving me full view of the Cullen house. It was empty – eerily so. That could be in part from the empty woods, though…why _was_ the wood empty? The bright, white siding of the house seemed to illuminate slightly against the velvet darkness of the night, and the windows were tainted black…they looked as if they were painted from the inside with horribly black paint. It was so dark…but my vampire eyes, of course, saw through the night, through the black, and into the twitching empty. And my vampire ears, so attuned to the little sounds, could hear the screaming that the empty seemed to throw at me. My vampire nose could smell the empty scent…the long since used computers, belongings that were left behind, the dusty interior. Small scents, but so strong, it seemed. And, of course, the soft, lingering scent, that I smelled faintly…a vampire scent. A Cullen scent. Edward's scent; that was most prominent to me.

I bit my lip and walked half way to the door…what makes this time any different from my other visits? I would walk half way then turn around, vowing never again to come back. The walls in my mind – the walls that I used to block the blurry human memories and the hollow pain from them – always wanted to thrash their way down, devour my mind with the terrible images by this time. I didn't matter how distant the memories were. It didn't matter, really.

But, oddly, my foot seemed to make an involuntarily step forward. Strange…

And another step. Confused, I wrapped my arms across my chest as the pain became more noticeable to me. It doesn't matter that I am a vampire, with rock hard skin, and a heart that doesn't beat anymore. The hole is still there.

The lasting scent of the Cullen's became stronger as I took another step.

I wasn't sure if I – me, I – was telling my brain to make the agonizingly slow walk to the door, or if my feet were betraying me, taunting me with the memories that were board line with wanting to explode.

Another step. My foot cracked a dead leaf, and the sound echoed through the woods. Still empty? Usually, the animals could sense that I wasn't normal…that I was a danger to them, like humans could sense that I should be left alone. But there were always some herds that didn't seem to…care? But not this time. There was nothing. Not even a heartbeat.

Another step. I snapped a twig this time, on purpose, trying to coax a heartbeat. It was almost as if the animals had disappeared entirely. Or was running from something infinitely more dangerous…

I gasped as I thought that. The only thing "scarier" that I could image would be…those bears. Those wolves. I wasn't sure. But they couldn't be evil, could they? They saved _me_ when I destined to die.

Another step. Another tug at my heart, another pull my memories. Another crash at the wall. My mind seemed to have something up its sleeve. An unconscious thing. It rolled with the images of the wolf-bear creatures, the possibilities of why the wood was so dead – there _was_ a reason – and why, suddenly, the scent of the Cullen's was so powerful that I wouldn't even have a chance to spare a thought to an "unconscious thing."

And another step – the last step before I would have to open the door. I took a deep breath, closed my eyes, and extended my arm. My hand found the cold doorknob, and I twisted it, hoping that it would be locked. But of course it wasn't. No one knew where the Cullen's lived, and besides, they were vampires. Who was gonna threaten them? I squeezed my eyes shut more, and pushed the door open.

I let the tension settle before opening my eyes again. The house was the same as always. I didn't know why I was excepting to see Edward sitting at his piano, to see Carlisle reading a book or to see Jasper and Emmett making another ridiculous bet. I had put too much hope in my visit.

I shut the door gently and gazed at the interior of the house, switching on the light.

Three years since I had been here.

Nothing had changed – the open living room was still flushed a bright white, the quiet stars were still visible because of the giant window wall that was still there. Edward's piano still sat silently in the corner of the room, and the stairs still seemed to beckon me up to _his_ room, like so many times before.

I sighed, and walked through the living room, inhaling the wonderful scent of the Cullen's. It smelled so inviting, so warm. You can't really describe such a scent…

Trailing my arm along the white walls, I made a circle around the room, purposely leaving a large margin between the piano and me. Already, I could almost hear the sweet sound that filled the house when he played and the large swell of emotion that built up in me when the melody was my lullaby.

Was I becoming paranoid? Obsessive? I felt like everything of my past was a buzz in my ears, a haze in front of my eyes. I was still gripping on too tight, hoping with a shred of hope that maybe, _maybe_, he would come back. But it's been three years – surly he doesn't care anymore. No, he never cared. I shouldn't have wanted him so bad in the first place…

I shook the thoughts, and stopped in the middle of the room. I wasn't much up to going upstairs – I was afraid of the pain that was inevitable at this point. I surveyed the big room once more, my eyes resting on the piano.

Sigh.

Slowly, I made my way over to it, exaggerating the drama. The sleek exterior of it shined with the moon and the lights, but the keys looked old and scarred, from years of overuse. I swept my hand over the top of it, sparking a cloud of dust. I smiled, and blew, and another little puff of dirt flew up. I chuckled lightly, but stopped abruptly. When was the last time I…_laughed?_ Why was I laughing now? At dust? In the Cullen's mansion?

I laughed harder, gripping the edge of the piano for support. The whole situation was so ironic to me for some obscene reason. And _funny._ Still holding on the piano, I shuffled to the bench and sat down gracefully. I'm sure if tears were a possible thing for me right now, they would have been falling. Tears of joy. Of laughter. Of happiness.

Finally, the cackles subsided, but a goofy grin remained etched in my face. How had my mood gone from mourning to joyful? I don't know. I don't care, really. It was a nice break from the numbness I usually felt.

I placed my hands on the keys, trying to mimic how he did it, and pressed down. Instead of the sweet song that usually flowed from the piano, a harsh chord aroused. I cringed back from it, stopping the noise, and repositioned my fingers. This time, I only pressed down on one key – middle C. The note filled the silence, and then died away. Feeling slightly accomplished, I pressed the key again, stood up, and listened to the note until it the room fell quiet again.

There wasn't much else here for me – there never was. In all the three years I've came here, I've never gained anything, just a bigger hole of pain. But until now, until the laughter and the strange high I felt, I hadn't realized it. I had thought there was something for me, like I would come and Edward would be eagerly waiting for me.

It finally stuck.

Edward was gone and he wasn't coming back. I had to get over myself. Three years I had wallowed in this misery that I called a life, three years I had been more of a ghost than anything. But no more would I be like that. No more would I come here, no more would I hope dejectedly that _Edward_ would be here.

I squared my shoulders, standing straight, and swept past the piano slowly. I let my fingers shadow across the surface however, and another rouse of dust appeared. I smiled, and started to walk again.

The little sound of a paper fluttering to the ground made me stop.

I turned slowly, looking at the ground. There, just a few feet ahead of me, lay a folded piece of paper. I bit my lip, and bent to pick it up. It was old, the crease lines disfiguring the paper, and had an odd, musty smell to it. Carefully, I unfolded it, afraid that it might rip, and smoothed it out on top of piano.

I cringed back in shock as my mind registered Edward's perfect manuscript staring back at me. It was a sheet of music, with the title of "Bella." I gasped, holding in a sob, and traced my fingers lightly over the surface. The paper was rigid, indents coming from the other side of it. Like there was something written on the back. Hastily, I flipped it, tearing a piece of the bottom off as I did. I threw the small piece to floor, listening as it fluttered quietly, and then took a deep breath.

There was note written on the back. _A note._ A note written in Edward's handwriting, a note that started with the heading "Dear Bella."

I didn't stop the shudders that were erupting from me as I read slowly through the lines of Edward's note.

_Dear Bella._

_Goodbye, love._

_I don't intend on you finding this, and I don't intend on you reading this. But, in the off chance that you do, I want you to have this – your lullaby._

_I don't want to leave you, but I must, Bella. I'm no good for you. I impose such a danger. Your life is infinitely more important than mine. I can't put it in jeopardy, like I have been. Believe me, Bella, this is much harder for me than it is for you. You'll move on, have a good life, start a family. You'll forget about me, and that's what I want you to do._

_But I'll never forget you, Bella. Never. _

That's where it ended. If there was more, it was ripped off in my haste to turn the sheet over a moment ago. I looked down, trying to find the part that I ripped off. It had fallen at my feet, but I could see there was more written on it.

_I love you, Bella. I always will._

Clutching the piece to my chest, I grabbed Edward's note and ran.

I wasn't sure where I was going, but I knew it had to be far from Forks, far the memories. Far from Edward.

My revelation from earlier came back to me as I dodged a tree – "Edward was gone and he wasn't coming back. I had to get over myself."

Edward _was_ gone, and he _wasn't_ coming back. I _did_ need to get over it.

But all the hope of forgetting him shattered as a familiar figure broke through the trees. I halted, shoving the note in my pocket, and shielded myself using the power I had gotten from becoming a vampire.

"Bella," he breathed, his voice carrying in the wind.

I smiled warily, and took a step forward.

I finally knew why the wood had been so quiet earlier – I wasn't the only vampire prowling around.

**xxx**

**Gah! Am I mean? I'm sorry. I didn't _want_ to end it on a cliff...but they're so fun! Yay! Anyway, can you guess who it is? **

**Okay. Well, actually, I have no idea who it is. Hm. I think I should figure that out, no? Hehe!**

**Well, review, please. They make me happy. :)**


	2. Chapter 2

**I don't own anything. :)**

**Bella POV**

**xxx**

I could see the faint sparkle of his skin; the sun was beginning to rise, painting a soft pallet of oranges and pink to the sky. I bit my lip, trying to hide the desperate grin that was growing on my face. Could it really be a _Cullen_? The soft, southern accented voice that seemed so melodic to me was harshly familiar, surprisingly familiar. The scent – though I never really recalled Jasper's scent very well – clung to his skin, fragranced his whole body. It smelled so sweet and wonderful.

But even though I loved Jasper like a brother, he was no Edward. He wasn't who I was hoping to see – even though I supposed to be over Edward. That mere fact didn't stop me from dropping my shield unconsciously, allowing a swarm of emotions to wash over me. Joy, fear, anxiousness…they all blended into one oddly eccentric feeling, swelling my whole body.

"Jasper!" I cried out, closing the distance between us in two quick strides, and gripping him into a tight hug. He made no movement to hug me back, standing frozen in my embrace. He almost seemed guilty about something, though I could feel the overwhelming emotion of happiness in him, and it flustered me. "Jasper?"

It stretched out so I was holding him by the shoulders at a distance of my arms, and looked him over. His clothes were torn slightly, spotted with dark stains of red, and his hair was ruffled, out of place. His face, still strangely beautiful even to my new eyes, looked more pale than usual and though his eyes were casted down to his feet, I could tell they were a cruel black, tainting his normally calm façade of an expression. He wore a frown, also, shaping his face into a scowl.

"Jasper? Jazz?" I heard him let out a breath of air, and he picked up his head so he was looking at me – avoiding my eyes. I didn't exactly have immediate access to a mirror – I knew I could at any point, but I tended to stay transfixed in the woods, avoiding as many humans as possible – but from brief glances at reflective window panes, I knew that they were still encrusted with red around the edges of my golden pupils. But I wouldn't think that would bother him…

Oh. _Oh._

He didn't _want_ to see me. Of course. I was part of the reason that the Cullen's left; Jasper being the other puzzle piece. Two that fit precariously together – a strange human girl with good smelling blood, and a vampire that had a hard time resisting it. He probably hated me now.

"Oh." I dropped my hands, and turned away from him. "I understand." I said quietly, talking to the ground. I wish it would respond to me, give me something to do. Jasper wasn't staying, and it only tore my heart into even more thrashed bits, scattering the pieces. I would be alone again, on my own, grieving in my personal pain. What's new?

"Bella? Would you stop, please? You're making me feel even more guilty than I know I am." I gasped lightly at the sound of his voice, and at the pleading edge it held. I didn't turn, but I attempted to control the emitting feeling of guilt I was supposedly sending off. I pushed my shield over me again, blocking out any extra things Jasper was trying to send me. I just wanted to disappear and the feel numb again; it's better that was, isn't it? To be succumbed into nothing, to not exist to anybody's eyes but your own.

Edward's note in my pocket suddenly felt like a hundred pound brick weighing me down. I couldn't move, I couldn't talk. I stopped breathing, and tried to keep my mind focused. Edward left, Jake left, and now Jasper's going to leave me, too. Nothing seemed like a perfect match to me.

"Just go, Jasper. I know you don't want to be here," I whispered to the leaves that were littering the woods. He didn't move. There was the possibility that he thought I was intruding in _his_ home – the mansion wasn't very far from we were. Maybe _I_ should go. I considered this momentarily as silence fell over the air, and then began to move forward.

Jasper took a step just before I did, the leaves shifting under his feet. I stopped mid-stride, my leg lingering in the air.

He sighed from behind me, and I heard him take a step closer to me. His shoe stopped on a leaf, and I cringed at the sound it made in the hovering silence my actions had left. "Bella, no…" He placed his hand on my shoulder, trying with a deferential effort to calm me. It wouldn't have helped, anyway – I was finally numb again, leaving the joy and fear and anger in the woods around me. I could feel; I could _see_ the attempt he was trying to make to control my emotions through my shield, and his flabbergasted state when he couldn't crash through it. "Amazing." He stated simply.

I shrugged, crossing my arms, and felt his hand brush off my shoulder.

"Bella, when…when did this happen?" I shrugged again, afraid of my voice if I were to talk. Would it strain, crack? I didn't want to let Jasper know just how much pain I was in when they left, and how much it still hurt.

Especially now.

"Three years." I said quietly, almost inaudible to my own ears. There was another moment of silence before I trusted myself to speak more. "Laurent. He did it. These huge wolf-bear creatures saved me from getting killed, but could do nothing to save me from transforming. One of them didn't want me to die, I guess…"

"_Make it stop! The fire!" I scream, panting as the pain swirls around my body and traces through my veins. I let out a soft whimper as a burning hand touches my forehead, and I twist away from it. _

"_Bella, shush, quiet. It's alright. You'll be fine. There's no fire…" I sigh as another round of fruitless attempts by the soothing, pleading voice tries to calm me. How long have I been lying here? _Where_ was I? I don't know. The bewildering fire has been burning me for what seems like years, and though I want it to stop, another pain keeps coming back and smothering the fire; I wither in that pain._

_I'm coherent enough to realize what that pain is – Edward. How could he? I'm lying here, dying no doubt – or at least wishing I was – as he is off somewhere, probably in another country. Enjoying a life that I take no part in. He gets his an okay ending – why can't I?_

"_Bella, honey, quiet. It's alright. It's going to be over soon…" I bite back another scream of terror and hurt, squeezing my eyes closed tight. "Sam? How long as it been?"_

_Sam. I know him, don't I? And the soothing voice – I know it, too. But from where? I don't dwell on it too long. Another shred of my insides takes a beating from the fire._

"_About two and a half days. Not much longer." This voice seems farther away, and more strained. He doesn't want to be here, I can tell. Wherever here is. _

_Not much longer. The words register in my clouded head…could it mean that the fire had almost run its course? That it was going to be extinguished soon? _

"_Bella? It's going to be okay. I promise. The pain – it'll be over soon. Okay? Can you last? For me? Bella? Can you hear…?" I couldn't hear him. I suddenly felt a state of frozen shock, and a course of adrenaline racing through my body. It's going to end. But how soon? _

_Everything floods back to me – the fire, the pain, and the memories. Laurent, the wolves, the knowledge. Vampires. I – me! – I'm finally becoming a vampire. This is something I've been hoping for…but what's the point now? It would be forever without Edward. Forever without the love of my life. There's no point to forever anymore._

_I sigh, content and in pain, as a burning hot hand brushes over my head, smoothing my damp hair down. Two and half days – didn't Edward say the transformation usually lasts three? It's almost over. The pain is almost done. _

_I smile in spite of myself, leaving everything behind. Though I'm still withering in fire, though I'm still scorching on the inside for more than one reason, I know that I'll be able to escape this soon. Be numb, like before, and handle the pain despite Edward being gone. _

Jasper was silent as I finished my story feebly. His eyes were fixed on something far away, burning with a soft hatred. _Hate?_

"Jasper? Hello?" I waved my hand in front of his face, but it remained a vacant state of abhorrence and shock. "Jasper?"

A menacing growl erupted from his chest, and he finally answered. "Jacob."

"Jacob? What are you talking about, Jasper? You mean that _Jacob_ had something to do with this?" I asked in hurried voice, my eyes searching frantically through his for any sign of wavering skepticism. There wasn't anything but the pouring truth. It screamed at me through his facial features, through his scorching onyx eyes, through the suddenly rigid way he held himself. Jake…the wolf-bears…was there more than one kind of mythical creatures? Could Jake…?

"He has _everything_ to do with it, Bella. When was the last time you saw him?" He asked in a more frantic voice.

I searched through my human memories, analyzing each one quickly, until I found one of him the night of the movie. "About three years ago. When I was still human. Jasper, why? What does he have to do with this?"

"Bella…there are more than just vampires and humans. Jake is part of that more. He _has_ to be. There's no other explanation…" He trailed off, his eyes glazing over slightly, deep in thought. I stood in front of him, in a trance-like stage, holding my breath. More than just vampires? Are those bears part of that? They saved me from Laurent, so they have to have minds of some sort of brains, some intelligence level. Normal bears wouldn't know what was happening – nor would they know how to stop a vampire attack… And Sam. He knew about vampires, considering he was there during my transformation. Jacob was there when I finally turned around to full consciousness on the third day...

Abruptly, Jasper spoke, his voice low and echoing with a bass growl. "Alice! That's why!"

I looked at him incredulously, not understanding the sudden hostility he spoke with about Alice. "Jasper? What about Alice?"

"Her visions. Come on, Bella. Let's go…somewhere a little quieter." He took off running, coming back from the place where I was escaping from – the mansion. Once again, my pocket fell stiff under the sudden weight of the note, and I couldn't move. I stood there in eerie silence, the air mocking me by mulling over my shoulders. I felt like I should collapse under all the invisible pressure, but my knees didn't feel weak – no. Instead, I felt a sudden burst of strength, but I was rooted to spot.

I couldn't go back. I wouldn't. There was no way. The house brought back so many memories – the ones I had finally runaway from; until Jasper came back – and I didn't want them all overflowing again; I didn't want them back to me so soon. Before Jasper showed up, while I was running, I felt suddenly free. Numb, but free. I couldn't feel the pain anymore, and the hole in my chest was stitching itself up slowly.

I thought I had finally gotten over him.

"No," I whispered. But Jasper was already gone; probably back to the house by now. "No." I stated louder, searching frantically around my surroundings for any sign of him. There was only quiet, rumbling around me from every direction. I concealed a sob as a shudder ran down my spine, and slowly started walking.

Right, left. Right, left.

And then the wind was whipping my face, blowing my tangled hair around me; freeing myself.

I wouldn't go back.

I ran through the woods at a ridiculous pace, flying away from Jasper and the information – the information I didn't care about – that he had stored. So what if Jake is a mythical creature? I am too. That wasn't what was bothering me – it was the strange way he talked about Alice. With an unknown aggression down pouring in his voice. Did they split up? Or was it something different - he mentioned her visions.

Was I the cause of this?

I jumped over a fallen tree, landing gracefully on the other side, into a patch of sunlight. I stopped, noticing the faint glitter of my hands and skin, then took in the meadow around me.

Not just any meadow…_our_ meadow. I bit my lip and held my breath – this place reeked. There was an awful stench of wet dog, mixed with an unwanted scent of a vampire. No one had been here since the day I was attacked by Laurent, I suppose.

I shook my head and didn't stay to absorb the rest of the view; I didn't stay to remember all the "good times" Edward and I had shared. The meadow held horrible memories, as well as the good ones.

I suddenly felt angry, depressed, and numb. I could count off all the things I had down wrong in the last three years – possibly making Jasper and Alice split, making Edward not want me, forcing them to move from Forks, simply vanishing away from father on the day I was bit…

And so I ran back into the wood.

"Bella?" I heard Jasper call my name in an anxious tone, but I didn't stop. I didn't waver in my strides – I just kept flying.

This time, _I_ am leaving.

**xxx**

**Ick. ****This chapter is _horrible; _I hate it. Sigh. I'm sorry if I disappoint anyone (everyone) with this. **

**Sigh.**

**Review anyway?**

**Oh - maybe, _just maybe_, if anyone is wanting to beta this, my chapters _might_ get better. Any takers?**


	3. Chapter 3

**I don't own anything. :)**

**Bella POV**

**xxx**

I'm not sure how long I ran, but I didn't ever want to stop. I'm not sure how far away I managed to go, but I was positive that the further away I got from Forks, the better.

I was also positive that there was someone following me the entire time. Sigh. Jasper.

Eventually, though, I stopped.

And, just…stopped. Functioning. Caring. Loving. Wanting.

It all stopped, and for a moment, I felt purely numb.

And then it all came flooding back to me.

Pathetic – that's how I _really _felt. No, worse than pathetic. A wretched feeling of remorse that fleshed out of every inch of my body and spread through the air around me. I didn't understand myself anymore. For three years, I had held on the draining memories of _Edward,_ – why did his name sound so venomous to me now? - then suddenly I could care less. One visit to his house changed that fact. And of course, at that moment, _Jasper_ shows up, only to mock me with information and to taunt me with the whole reason of this stupid mess.

So now, I don't know what to believe. Did I still love Edward? Was it still my goal in my eternal life to find him again?

I slumped against a tree, digging my back into the rugged, harsh bark. I wanted it to hurt, but it didn't. I wanted to yield into nothing and pretend like this was a big dream – a nightmare to the worst degree – and…I wanted to die. Funny, how three years ago my only hope in a human life was to become a vampire – and now here I am, wishing for a death that I deserved. A death like what Victoria had planned for me. Sadistic, torturous…

I sighed, and rested my head in my hands, propping my elbows up against my legs. I wish it would end. Now. The sooner the better.

_Bella! Stop!_

I froze. I hadn't heard my hallucination since the day I was turned. I had always assumed that Edward didn't care enough to spare another thought about me and that's why the hallucinations stopped…

If my theory was correct, did that mean that he still…cared for me? Wanted me? Thought about me?

I gasped, and banged the back of head against the tree. No. No, no, no. I was _not _going through this again. Edward was gone and he wasn't coming back. Get over it, Bella!

_Bella! Just stop! You _don't _want to die. Yes?_

I shuddered at the wonderful sound of his voice. "Yes, Edward, I do." My voice cracked when I said his name. I had _never_ said his name out loud – it hurt much less to just think about it. A shiver ran up my spine, and the hole gaped open once again. How many times has it been today that the hole has broken open? I could fit a hundred real hearts in there by now, I'm sure; it was so large. And it hurt so badly.

Stupid intensified, vampire feelings.

I wrapped my arms around my chest, holding it together, and racked my mind for his voice. It wasn't there anymore – just an eerie silence. But I could_ feel_ it. Like he was just thinking; like there was a paper wall separating my thoughts from his. It would be so easy to tear down, but I couldn't bring myself to burn it. Burn, tear; what's the difference? I had gone through enough burning internally when I was changed, and the hole just kept tearing open a little more with every thought about it, and about him.

So I just sat there, listening through the paper wall, waiting for him to say something.

Maybe he realized that I wasn't worth it. Maybe he did want me to die.

But these were my hallucinations, right? Edward wasn't really inside my head; no. I just wished he was, and so there he is. So if he disappeared in my mind, did that mean I didn't want him anymore?

Oy. Not this argument again.

I hit my head against the tree trunk again, repeatedly. No headache came, no injury sustained.

Damn.

"Come on, Bella. You can do this. Just stop thinking about it. It'll get better. You've lasted three years, right? You can last a couple hundred more…" Talking to myself, hallucinations…what next? Am I becoming paranoid? This time, I knew the answer to that question.

Yes, I was. Paranoid, obsessive, neurotic, compulsive…is there a cure for a crazy vampire?

"Bella," Couldn't Jasper take the hint that I wanted to be alone?

"Just go, Jasper. I don't want to talk, or take part in your crazy theories." I stated icily. I wrapped my shield around my mind, and closed my eyes.

_Bella, listen to him. He could have something important to say._

"You would know; you're the mind reader."

"Bella? What did you say?"

Oh. Did I say that aloud? "Nothing," I muttered.

"Bella. Listen to me. Jacob…he's a werewolf, and -"

"What's your point? I'm a vampire. So what if there are other mythical creatures?" I didn't like the way this conversation was going. I didn't want to take part in it. Couldn't I just vanish somehow? Fall into the ground and have the earth swallow me up – I would cause a lot less pain to the people around me if that were the case. Pain to them and to me.

Jasper was silent for a moment, and the air hung thickly around us. Finally, he sighed and sat down across from me. His eyes, I noticed were now a light shade of honey, but more than the melting caramel color lingered in them. I couldn't identify what it was…I hung on to the observation for another minute. Jasper continued to not speak, but looked at me in wonder.

I broke the silence. "Why are you here?" A simple question, but it ran a shock through me. Didn't I want him here? No – he didn't want _me_ here. So why should I?

"Because of you, Bella." And such a simple answer, but yet so cryptic. For me? What could plain old, remorseful, guilty vampire Bella have to do with Jasper showing up?

"Alice?" I asked. I wasn't planning on voicing the other questions that were running through my head – where was Edward? Esme? Emmett? Carlisle, Rose? Blah, blah…

"She's…a bit preoccupied. She'll be coming back soon, though."

Alice was coming back? I snapped my gaze to his, searching firmly through his facial features and eyes for any sign of a lie. He seemed to tack onto what I was doing and smiled lightly. "Yes, she's coming soon. I thought you might like that…"

"And…the rest of them?" Not including Edward, of course.

He sighed and looked at his hands, twiddling his thumbs in his lap. "I don't know where they're at, honestly. Alice and I have sort of taken our own for the past year,"

I was in shock. So did that mean Emmett and Rosalie were off somewhere by themselves, too? And Esme and Carlisle? They didn't stay together, as the family they had created?

Wonderful. Another thing to add of my list of stuff I had caused.

"But, really, Jazz. _Why_ are you here?" I asked a different question than the one I was dying to ask; I _couldn't_ ask that one, I knew.

"Well…" he began slowly, taking in a large breath of air. "Three years ago, Alice had a vision. About you. She wasn't watching out for you or anything; it just came to her. It was in a meadow, and there was another vampire there – was it Laurent?" He frowned deeply and searched for something in the woods behind me idly and briefly before continuing. "Yes, it was. He was crouching, ready to spring. He bit you…then the vision died. It just stopped, according to her. Alice assumed that you were dead. She never told Edward about –" I flinched unconsciously, and let my head hang, not listening to the rest of the sentence. A pang of hurt washed through me, and flowed to every inch of my insides. To be safe – for Jasper's sake – I wrapped my shield very firmly around my thoughts, almost so that I could see it.

Edward was still behind the paper wall, listening. Jasper's words were like a gun to me; they hurt and shredded. Did Edward believe that I've been alive and well all these years?

_Yes._

No, I told myself. It's your hallucination – don't listen! So I took a deep breath and cleared my head, concentrating on the intense ache of my chest instead. Pain was better than the ranting going on in my mind right now.

"Bella?"

I looked up, meeting Jasper's repentant eyes. I smiled faintly, and settled further down into the dirt, resting against the tree more. I beckoned silently for Jasper to continue, and he seemed to take the hint. "We all thought you had died – for good. Three years we've been mourning the loss of you Bella…"

_I bet you were_, I thought sarcastically. Pain, Bella. Think of the extreme stinging in your chest right now! Concentrate. Don't think about Jasper or anything…

I did, and the edges of my vision became fuzzy as more ache seeped in. Jasper didn't notice, and continued. "So, last year, Alice and I took off. It was hard living with Esme and Carlisle and Rose…and the rest of them. We weren't a family anymore. We were all so depressed. Alice and I ventured places, had some fun. Finally, I decided to come back here. Memories, you know? Never did I image _you_ would be here, Bella!"

I sighed. I didn't think I would be here, either, honestly. I expected that I would be in some sort of afterlife, decaying in the ground, six feet under. Not until I was searing with pain and fire that I realized I was going to become a vampire. And even then, I was sure something was going to go wrong and I wouldn't make it.

I almost wish I hadn't.

I heard a groan on the other side of the paper wall. I could almost smell his delicious scent as he exhaled…I relaxed my shoulders, and smiled a little, imaging myself wrapped in his arms again…

"Bella? Bella? You in there?" Jasper's voice broke through fantasies; his hand waved in front my glazed over eyes, and I snapped back, my shield submitting automatically over my mind.

No, I wanted to say. I'm not in here, nor will I ever be again. Again, I wished I could vanish into the mucky undergrowth of the earth and soil.

Sigh.

"Yeah, I'm here. Sorry; I was zoning out..." I replied in a haze. Edward groaned inside my head again.

Jasper started to talk again, but my mind wasn't in the mood for his droning. I quickly zoned out again, letting my thoughts wander…

_Somehow, someway, by some incredible miracle, the pain eases. The fire is extinguished, and the physical pain shreds to a dull throb. Slowly, I open my eyes, blinking against the intensity of the bright lights. Have ceiling lights always been that…incredible? It's almost like I can see the finer details…_

_I shrug to myself and let my eyes trail across the bland, white ceiling. Each dirt speck seems to jump out at me. Huh._

_Oh. Hah. Fire…James..transformation…vampire…it all clicks._

_I'm a vampire._

"_Bella?" It's Jake's voice that breaks me from my thoughts. "Bella, are you okay?" I turn my head to the sound of his voice, toward the absurd stench that seems to be radiating from him. Ew._

_But I smile none-the-less, and sit myself up, leaning against the arm of the couch I'm on. "I'm fine," I say. "Great, actually," It isn't a total lie. So I'm a vamp now – I should be excited, right? But when there's to point to eternity...not so great. Forever without Edward is like chocolate cake without frosting. But the feeling is so nice. Just..the clarity and rush of it all. It's an odd feeling, but I like it. A lot. _

"_Are you sure?" Jake asks._

"_Yeah, I'm sure." I'm too distracted to pay any attention to Jacob anymore. Besides, he smells pretty bad._

_I swing my legs over the edge of the couch and carefully stand up. I feel taller, more physically fit. I hear Jake gasp lightly, and turn to face him, smiling._

"_Well?" I do a little pirouette, expecting to fall over._

_I don't._

_Did my clumsiness leave me? Am I finally as graceful as Alice or Rose? Or as beautiful?_

_Jake grins, but scrunches his nose. "You look…nice. But you're not the same," He sighs._

"_Jake?" I ask, more serious. He drops his head, and gazes at the ground. "What happened? How did I end up here, in your house, as a vampire?"_

_Jacob lifts his head, and stares at me in eyes. "It's complicated," he says._

_But I don't hear anymore than that. Suddenly, there is a burning itch at the back of my throat. It feels as if I'm extremely thirsty. But water sounds so…repulsive now. I bite my lip, and look out the window behind me. _

"_I think you need to go Bella. Maybe I'll get a chance to see you again and explain. Maybe not." Jake's eyes are watery and red, but the thirst is overpowering. I don't pay attention to his words, only the need to get blood._

_So I nod, and run. _

That's the last time I saw Jacob. Three years ago, that was. I can't say that I miss Jacob too much, but there's still the need for him sometimes. He was my sun when my life was pure darkness.

What do I have now, though? Nothing. My life is worse than darkness. I've fallen deeper into the black, deeper into my wallowing than I ever had as a human. But still, I can't say that I still want Jake back as my light. No, there are more pressing matters that I have to attain to than just spiraling myself out of depression.

"Bella, he's suffering."

Well, that snapped me out of my daze. I looked up at Jasper, and his somber expression, wide-eyed. _He?_ As in…Edward? Suffering?

Jasper read my expression easily and deciphered my thoughts. He nodded and said, "Edward. He's suffering without you, Bella. He still loves you." I wrapped my arms around my chest to prevent it from falling apart, and absorbed his words. So Edward still loved me? But that's impossible! He left me, for heaven's sake!

"That's impossible, Jasper," I murmured, expressing my thoughts straight out. He knew it wasn't true. _He knew_, and yet he still tortured me with the words that hurt the most. The sheer words that could shatter my insides completely.

I'm pretty sure I could feel myself crumpling.

"Bella, really. I know it hurts, Bella. _I know, _believe me. But he hasn't been around any of us in over a year; he just hides out and mourns, basically."

"I don't believe you," I said, standing up and brushing myself off. Jasper followed suite.

"He's actually thought about going...uh…suicide." Jasper sighed as he finished straightening out his shirt.

Could vampires commit suicide? Is it technically _possible_?

"Why? That's not even possible, is it?" I asked, partially dreading the answer. The other part of me was actually mildly curious. This information might suit me in the years to come.

"Technically, I guess not. But there are ways, Bella. The Volturi are one."

"The Volturi?" I asked. Didn't Edward mention them once before? I scanned my dim human memories quickly, and remembered Edward telling me about them on my birthday. "Aren't they like…the most powerful vampires or something?"

Jasper sighed, and looked at the ground. "Yeah, sort of. Long story short, you don't make them angry with you. They set the rules, in a way. If you show yourself as what you are, if you expose our kind, then there are consequences."

I sucked in Jasper's words like a rose sucking in water. "Is that what…Ed-" I stopped myself as took a deep breath. "Is that what…_he_ tried? To expose himself, get the Volturi mad, and then have them…kill him?"

Jasper nodded.

"Oh. Vampire suicide. Who would have guessed?" I muttered quietly. My feet started to move, and slowly I started to jog. Jasper was beside me, running in silence.

But I wasn't running _away_ anymore. I was sick of it. This time, I have a place to go.

"Hey Jasper?" I said after a moment of quiet.

"Yeah?"

"Where are the Volturi…uh…located?"

Jasper chuckled and answered, "In Italy. Why?"

I didn't answer his question, but instead asked my own. "And where is Alice? You said that she was doing something, right?"

There was silence. "In Italy," he finally said. Huh. Italy? Coincidence?

"Why?"

Jasper stopped abruptly, and I skidded to a halt smoothly.

"Because that's where Edward is." Nope. Not a coincidence.

I felt a cruel smiled snake its way onto my face, and I let it come. So Jasper was here, with me. Alice was in Italy, watching over Edward. And the Volturi are there, waiting patiently for someone like Edward to come along.

Or someone like me.

I grinned, stunning Jasper, and took off full speed toward the Cullen house. I had a plan, I had reason. I could see Edward one more time, I could see Alice one more time, and I could finally submit to my thoughts of wanting to die…all in one measly little trip to Italy.

Huzzah.

**xxx**

**Huzzah. That's like, my favorite word ever. Hah. **

**But I'm sorry for updating a week and a day late. Oops. But I've been awfully busy lately. :D**

**Anyhoo...I think I kinda like this chapter, but the ending sucks. Lededah.**

**Review? Thanks so much. :D**


	4. Chapter 4

**I don't own anything. :)**

**Bella's POV**

**XXX**

Apparently, I ran quite far. The sky shifted visibly from a bright, clear sunlight, to the dulling twilight, and finally, night seeped in just as Jasper and I arrived at the house.

I felt a heavy case of déjà vu starting, but only this time, the hole was closing, less noticeable to me. The pain was shifting to a lower grade, decreasing in intensity. I smiled to myself, elated that the mere fact of seeing Edward again could close such a gaping wound.

Jasper seemed to notice my mood change, even without his power - considering I still kept my shield snug around my mind - but still acted cautious around me. He knew my limits, I'm sure. And he obeyed them for me.

Thank goodness.

Jasper led the way into the house, his steps whispering quietly in the empty room; it was oddly comforting, the cricket soft echo that each step of his foot made.

Wow. I really am going insane.

I sighed and followed Jasper, staring at the floor to divert my attention to any one place in the house. It still hurt, but that was oh so inevitable now. It was a murmuring, throbbing pain that was less stabbing and more…poignant. So at least the floor had some depth to it – the ground in dirt stains, the specks of dust – to keep my attention. For a little while, at least.

Jasper stopped in the middle of the open living room, and I watched his foot slowly turn around so they were facing me.

"Bella? Why…why, exactly, are we here?" He asked in a hushed voice.

"Because…well…um…" I couldn't tell him that I planned on doing something so horrible to myself. No, I would regret that even more later.

I sighed again. Should I tell him? Sure, I would lament it later, but how much would I regret…killing myself? I've lived three years without him, I lived in hurt and pain, but I lived. I could it. And if I could find Edward, he would accept me (theoretically, of course) and we could live our happily ever after.

If only it was that easy. He wouldn't want me back, and by the time I had time to think about what I was going to do in Italy, I would be dead and gone, a mere pile of ashes.

"Bella?"

"We're going to Italy." I said in a small voice, lifting my gaze. That didn't reveal too much, right? As in, he could merely infer that I _wanted_ to see Edward and Alice, and _not_ kill myself, right? I smiled slightly, a sad attempt at feigning happiness.

"Italy?" Jasper asked incredulously.

I nodded, dropping my eyes to the floor again.

"Why?"

"Because…" Why couldn't decent lying have magically appeared when I transformed? It would make it easier, right? "Uh…because…"

Jasper rolled his eyes, breathing out a heavy sigh. "Okay. What are we doing here, then? If we're going to Italy…"

What was I doing here? There was nothing really I needed at this house – was I coming here just to prove to myself that I could come here without having an emotional breakdown? To prove to Jasper? The note in my pocket –Edward's note – was so heavy right then that I was sure that it would fall through the worn and tattered fabric of my jeans. Was that a sign that this was to prove _Edward?_

I realized Edward wasn't in my mind anymore. It was like he was never there in the first place.

I sighed, and, finally, decided on an answer. "I don't know, Jasper. I honestly don't know." Jasper didn't answer, but instead pulled out his phone from his pocket, which I hadn't recognized was buzzing.

"Hello?" He answered. There was high-pitched murmuring on the other line, and I could only assume he was talking to Alice. So I let him have his peace, and made my way slowly outside.

Human pace isn't hard to get the hang of, but it's difficult when you're always used to running at speed's that can make you virtually invisible to human eyes. But none the less, I forced myself to move into the woods leisurely, straining to hear what Jasper was saying to Alice. I was _not_ eavesdropping, I was just simply curious.

I could only make out words here and there, anyway. Jasper was talking too softly, even for me. "Vision…Italy…house…Edward…"

Actually, I stopped listening after I heard him mention Edward. _Edward, Edward, Edward_. Weren't those my last thoughts? The moments before I was bit were fuzzy, mere glimmers into my past instead of actual images in my mind. Sometimes it's nice – I don't have to remember, so I don't have necessarily have to be in pain. There's always been pain, though, and that's what I remember most out of anything in my human life.

Pain, pain, pain. There aren't enough synonyms, really, to cover how many times the hole in my chest has been split open or how many times I've felt sick enough with it to vomit; and vomiting isn't easy for vampires. My first hunt is the most perfect example, actually. It's one of the clearest things, memories, images, whatever you want to call them, that is still stationed in my mind.

_Jake is gone. Jake is gone. He was my sun, my best friend, a possible crush. If I wasn't changed, I bet Jake and I would probably get together…_

_But I ran instead, having to satisfy the burning itch in the back of my throat. It's actually painful, how much I need something. Water – no, that's human. Blood. Although just the name – _blood_ – seems to make me shudder, it sounds so amazing. The thick liquid soaring down my throat, the flavors gratifying the thirst._

_Of course, there's still the puncture in my chest, whether my heart is beating or not. It's enough to cover over the thirst and make me want Edward more. Edward more than blood? On my first hunt?_

_I sigh. I'm insane – a (newborn) vampire wishing for her gorgeous (ex?)boyfriend to magically show-up compared to the need for blood. Hah._

_Finally, as I turn a corner around a tree, a heartbeat makes me stop. It's soft, faint, and I strain my ears to find the source of the sound. It's to the east, I determine, and start to run as quick as possible toward it. _

_Running actually is coming much easier to me than I expected – my body feels strong and willing to push faster, and the feeling of being weak and tired while running isn't even remotely present. Actually, I feel as if I could run all day and everyday, just for the pure joy of it. I won't fall, I know that, and I won't run into a tree like I always expected with Edward. It's an incredibly nice feeling, like a tingling sensation is flowing inside my veins as my own kind of adrenaline._

_But then the full force of a small creature's blood finds me, and before I realize what I'm doing, I leap. I soar through the air, the wind hardly fazing me as I zoom in on the doe that hardly registered I'm here. _

_To kill her?_

_It seems inhumane, really, but what can I do? It's torturous, really, but I need it. It's physical as well as mental – the overpowering thirst takes over all my thoughts, making my vision almost blurry and it cuts away any sounds besides the heartbeat. _

_My teeth sink into her throat just as she tries to dart away, giving me an easy victory. There's a crack as her neck breaks, and the animal's body falls limp in my arms. I don't stop to think of what I'm doing as the warm liquid flows from the pierces in her neck – where I bit her? – into my mouth, coloring it with flavor. It's not the salt and iron, rusty kind of flavor I was expecting – instead, it's inviting. Sweet and luscious as it runs down my throat. I feel more energized as more of it seeps into me, smothering the fire that was previously present in my throat._

_It's not until I'm done that I realize what I just did._

_I killed an animal – maybe she had babies, or a husband. A family. What if…I sigh. The doe's empty shell of a body rests lightly in my hands, and I can't bare to drop it. There's blood covering my hands, and I can feel it dripping from my mouth like a stereotypical vampire would have. I can taste the extra venom pooling in mouth._

_I drop the carcass and run away. Far away. There's no burning itch in my mouth anymore – just the satisfaction of completing my first hunt. But how can I be happy? I killed an animal! I remind myself that this is what Edward has had to go through for years – hundreds of them. I just have to get used it. But with the thought of Edward, my heart drops. It's horribly painful, one of the worst pains that I've felt since the day he actually left._

_Is it because I'm a vampire now and everything has to be intensified? I stop running and hold my stomach, feeling as if I'm going to puke. _

_One question runs through my mind: why?_

I still think that a lot. Why? Why did I have to be changed instead of murdered, why did Edward leave, why was I here? Why did it still hurt, even after all these years? Could three years even be considered a long time? It sure as heck felt like it to me.

A hand placed itself lightly on my shoulder, but I didn't turn, even as Jasper started talking. "Bella, are we going? Alice is there, and she's anxious to see you…" I tuned him out after nodding to signal that, yes, we were going.

"I just…have to run by Charlie's house to grab some money – and maybe my passport? I hope it's still there…" I stammered after a moment.

I took off running, and let the wind lash in my face and whip my hair around in swirls behind me. Jasper ran beside me, his eyes trained on something far away.

It didn't take long to get to back to Charlie's house – my house? – but when we did get there, I immediately froze. Jasper stiffened beside me. Standing at the edge of the woods that made a perimeter around my house, we could see the lights and flashes of numerous emergency vehicles in the night. Cop cars, ambulances, a fire truck. A couple bystanders made a crowd behind a line of police tape.

I didn't move or speak. I didn't breath, but that was partly because of the bloodied sheet that was strewn across the limp body on a stretcher. Was that…Charlie? I let out a ragged breath and turned away, holding my stomach and mouth. Tears would have fallen if it were even possible.

"Bella…I…Alice…she didn't know…it was…Bella…" Jasper engulfed me in a hug, and laid my head on his shoulder, silently dry sobbing. Jasper wasn't breathing. But after a minute of soundless comforting, he spoke again. "Bella, you should get your stuff. It isn't helping that you're here, seeing this."

I nodded, and without even realizing my feet were moving, I began to run to the back window…which would have been Charlie's room. No one was around back, but there were fresh footprints in the mud. I noticed for the first time that it wasn't raining, then…

I jumped through the window, glad that it was unlocked, and slid through silently. Again, luck was with me, and not a soul was in Charlie's room. Unlike how I made visits to the Cullen's house, I rarely ever came here, unless it was to just…check up on things. The house hadn't changed much at all, though – it smelled musty and of take-out food, and of Charlie, though.

I gulped. More specifically, it smelled of Charlie's _blood._

I crept to the door and peeked through the small crack between the door and doorframe. Everyone was downstairs or outside, apparently. I sighed in relief and ran into my room, opening and closing the door so quick it would have been impossible to tell someone actually did it.

I didn't expect my room to look any different, and it inevitably didn't. In fact, the clothes I had scattered along my floor, and the most recent homework on my desk was still present from the day I "died."

I walked to my drawers and shuffled through the clothes until I found some cash, and my passport hidden among them. Perfect. I didn't hesitate in leaving, and immediately went to my window, which was still unlocked. I opened it and began pushing my way through.

My luck ran out.

I hadn't turned on my light for obvious reasons, and it was perfectly okay when I could see amazingly well in the dark. But suddenly, right as I was about to jump and run, a light shone on me. Not my light, but a flashlight. Someone caught me.

_I was caught,_ was all I thought as I stayed unmoving in the windowsill…

They could only see my backside, right? They wouldn't know it was me.

"Don't move!" The person shouted. Did they think I was the culprit? The person who maybe murdered Charlie? No, the voice was too sweet, too melodic to be a normal person. It sounded – and not to mention smelled – like a vampire.

Crap.

I jumped from the window and landed softly on the ground, taking off running before I even touched the ground. The other vampire was quicker than I was, though. Did she know who I was? Did she recognize my blood? I most certainly didn't know her…

A hand caught my arm, and I was pulled to a frayed halt, right in the center of the chaos and confusion that was my front lawn. Lights were fixed on me, stunned faces watching me with astonishment.

"Not to high and mighty now, are we?" The voice whispered. Then the hand left my arm before I could turn and find the face of the stranger.

It was silent for the longest time, me a statue, the other people's faces slowly flickering with comprehension as to who I was.

"Bella Swan?" someone whispered.

I felt Jasper breeze behind me, completely invisible, and he tugged on my arm without stopping his stride.

I turned and ran as the scene behind me become one of shock to utter bewilderment.

**XXX**

**My gosh, it's been forever since I've updated. So sorry for those who actually like this story. I honestly have no excuse, either - not even writer's block, because I knew exactly what I wanted to happen.**

**Sigh.**

**Never let me go that long without an update again. Seriously. Send me hate mail or something. MAKE me update, cause I actually really, really like writing this story. **

**Anyway, November is National Novel Writing Month. (nanowrimo (dot) org). I expect EVERYONE to be doing it. Basically, you write a 50,000 word novel in the month of November.**

**Believe me, it's harder than it seems.**

**And I think that's all I have to say, except...I'm in overload with dance (every freakin' day, with lots of little performances this month, and our main production next month) and school. And writing. Dance, school, write. That's my life. **

**Review, please. Thanks. Everyone who does gets a hug, cause I'm feeling generous.**

**Elli**


	5. Chapter 5

**I don't own anything. :)**

**Bella POV**

**xxx**

At first, I didn't let myself hear anything. I didn't let myself breath, speak, see…it was all just a blur. Partly because I didn't want to know, and partly because the numbness was slowly transforming into pain. And…more pain.

A lot more pain.

We didn't go very far away from the scene before I basically collapsed, my mind fizzing with new facts and information. A new vampire, my father dead. People seeing me. The risking of our secret. All of it was my fault. My mistakes, my loathsomeness.

"I'm so sorry, Jasper. I messed everything up!" I fell to my knees, curling into a ball and leaning against a tree. My voice was thick and harsh, compared the normal tinkling sound that I was used to hearing in my ears. It sounded almost…human. Rimmed with hurt and defeat, and the voice of someone who was about to cry.

"Bella, it's not your fault." Jasper leaned down, and brushed a piece of hair from my eyes. "It's not like we knew this was going to happen…not even Alice saw it – she's wasn't looking, so…"

"It's still my fault." I said, burying my face into my hands. I tried to keep the battle that was raging in my mind down to a minimum, but there was too much going on – a fight against Edward and I, my pitying self against my logical self, Jasper against me. Not the mention the noise that was carrying through the wind…the noise of people calling my name, and the sweeps of flashlight coming dangerously close to where we were sitting.

"Bella, we have to go. They'll find us."

"You know what? That's just fantastic." I answered with a bitter edge of sarcasm. "It's not like I can't take them." I whispered to myself angrily.

Jasper sighed and stood up straighter, extending his hand to my level. I glanced at it briefly then let out a long breath that I was holding. The horribly amazing scent of fresh blood climbed its way to me, clinging to my throat. I hadn't noticed how thirsty I was…and it smelled so amazing…

"Jasper…" I stretched out his name in agonizing worry. "Get me away…" I wasn't breathing anymore, but I could see the ambulances' flashing lights in the night, and the smell of the blood from the accident. My eyes stayed glue to the scene. "Jasper…" I whimpered.

"Bella, get up! Let's go!" Jasper grabbed my limp hand and forcefully pulled me from the ground, standing me on my feet. I swayed slightly, my vision turning red with anticipation, my throat burning with thirst. "Run, Bella. Go!"

I nodded and slowly trudged one in front of another until the trees starting blurring beside me, and wind whipped at my face. I could hear Jasper's feet slowly making their way closer to me, and, eventually, I could make out his pale figure next to me.

The itch in my throat was almost unbearable. I was careful to not breath, trying my best to hold the need for blood until we were away from people.

Well, we were away from people – but everything was so much more intense to me when I was thirsty, and I could still smell the blood from miles away.

But there was the fact of the new vampire. Not a newborn – she was too controlled around people; in fact, she might have been interacting with them, trying to fit in like the Cullens' do. Was she a vegetarian vampire, too? I wondered. And it was a she…but the voice wasn't familiar, and she insulted me. I could understand the insulting part – but what she said didn't make any sense.

"Not so high and mighty now, are we?" She had asked me. What could that _mean_?

My thoughts meandered through possible explanations, but none seemed rational enough. At least it was a way to keep me from thinking of my burning throat…

A faint heartbeat caught my attention, and I stopped, Jasper halting beside me. I breathed in deeply, the scent of human blood still lingering in my venom-filled mouth, and recognized the familiarity of deer blood. It was to the left, not far, and I immediately sped toward it, my mouth pooling with more and more venom.

It was in a small patch of grass, holding a protective stance over a baby. It's baby, I assumed. It had heard us, however silent our running may have been, but wasn't afraid of trying to attack us to save it's baby.

I didn't have it in my heart to leap and kill it…it would have been so easy, so simple to crack it's neck and satisfy the burn. But I couldn't it. The deer's heartbeat was steady, hovering in the silent sky, persuading me to just go and kill it.

But the problem was I'm too logical sometimes. It's inhumane to kill any animals, endangered or not, for food, unless it's been raised for that reason. Couldn't that mean that the wild were raised for us, vampires, though? No. That was the problem. I couldn't kill a mother.

Especially since my own father was already dead. Killed.

I sighed, turning to Jasper, and shook my head. Jasper's eyes softened, but stayed alert and intense – I noticed his were dark and only patchy with gold. He was not hunting because of me. He could see the hurt that, I'm sure, was evident in my eyes, and plain my face, and he obeyed it.

For me.

Jasper was too nice – but he'd had plenty of practice with emotion. I had to wonder how he did it, sometimes.

"Go, Jasper. Just find me." I said. Jazz nodded and crept, dead silent, toward the animal. It sprinted away, then, but it's heartbeat was resounding in my hands, thumping unevenly in my ears.

I cringed when it abruptly stopped, leaving the air cold and hovering with the scent of fresh blood. I turned away, walking slowly, and eventually found a small rabbit to feed off. I almost had to stop myself from killing it, too, but the blood was thick and lush, warm as it flowed from the puncture in it's neck down my stinging throat.

I dropped the empty carcass to the ground when it was drained, the rabbit's fur matted and dirty. Splattered with its own blood, because of me. I examined myself, too, disgusted with the fact that even after three years of hunting, I couldn't do it neatly.

My shirt had small, near invisible dots of red stained to it, now, and my mouth was dripping. I licked it up, sighing with a fleeting glance at the rabbit, and started to leave, searching for Jasper in the near distance. There was something – someone – there, though. A flash of dark brown hair, and surge of fleeing legs. The figure darted behind a tree, and I spun around, trying to glimpse him or her again.

There was another flash of running feet, the slight crunching of leaves under shoes echoing in my ears. It was behind me, but by the time I turned, the person was gone. I cursed under my breath, angry at the horror movie cliché this person was putting on.

"Looking for me?" the memorable sweet, child like voice said from behind me. It was the girl from earlier – how was I not surprised to see her?

I turned and gasped. She was gorgeous, more breathtaking then Rosalie, even – her tiny frame matching her innocent voice. Her full lips and wide, red-rimmed irises that sent a shudder through me. Her smile was saintly, far surpassing the elegance of any painting of a portrayal of an angel. Her hair was dark brown, chopped short, and framed her thin face.

I had to look down significantly to fully talk and see her. "Hello?" I said timidly, backing up slightly.

The girl didn't miss my movement with her appraising eyes, and she frowned at it. Actually, horrid frustration lurked in her blood red eyes – I found it ironic that her eyes _would_ be "blood" red – like the look Edward gave me when he wasn't able to read my mind.

"Huh." The girl said, languidly sulking into what would be a more comfortable position for a human. She smiled wickedly, her eyes sparkling. "I'm Jane, by the way."

She extended her hand, and I warily shook it, saying, "Bella."

"Oh, I know. We've been watching you, dear." Something about her tone was off – it was so sickly sweet and innocent, but buried underneath it was a vast pool of malevolence. It was edged with the power of knowing she could hurt me, but almost like it wasn't in the way she wanted to.

"We've?" I questioned, dropping our hands.

"Oh, yes. My…family and I. Alec or Aro couldn't come with, sadly, but I'm sure everyone will be exceptionally pleased to meet the infamous Bella Swan." Her cruel smile twisted obliquely on her gentle face, giving her the deathly appearance of a murderer. She _was_ a murderer though – her red eyes gave off that much. I shuddered as she inched slightly closer to me, closing to the gap oh so subtly.

"Your family?" My voice rang with fear, and I knew she could hear it.

Jane nodded and stood on her tiptoes, reaching her mouth to my ear. "Yes. The most powerful vampire family in the world. You might know us. Aro, Alec, Felix, Marcus, Caius… we all live in Volterra, Italy."

Volterra? _Italy?_ Most powerful vampire family? Acknowledgment spread through me, like fear draining from the top of your head to the ends of your toes. She was part of the Volturi…

"The Volturi." She stage-whispered, her cold breath fanning across my face. Her voice was phlegmatic, hinting at no sign of distress or worry. Or…anything.

"Oh." I said quietly as she returned to her previous posture in front of me.

Jane giggled – it was comparable to nothing, not even Alice's tinkling of bells laugh. "Thought you would understand. Anyway, Edward came to us a couple days ago, pleading for the end. He said he couldn't live without his Bella anymore. So we were considerate, and, of course denied his request. It was a lot of fun using my power on him, though. He tried so hard to not give into pain, but, it was all futile. But we were interested in you, my dear Bella. Curious why someone as plain Jane as you could cause so much pain to a poor person like Edward."

My heart ached at her words. Edward…had asked them for death? We were on the same brain wave, apparently. Neither of us could live without the other.

But what sent the spasm of terrifyingly painful hurt to wash through me was the _time._ A couple days ago. The words cut me, like each one had a blade that sliced through me. If it was a couple of days ago, then all this time both of us were leading miserable lives without the other. Both of us completely and totally depended on each other to survive.

Both of us still loved each other.

I shook my head, barely holding in a sob. Jane didn't miss a beat, though, and she comfortingly wrapped her dainty arm around my waist.

It didn't make sense. One minute she, back at the house, insulted me. And now she wanted to comfort me?

"Jane?" I asked in a small voice. "Why…what is your power?"

Jane looked up at me, her porcelain skin glinting in the dull patch of moonlight. "I can make people think they are in Hell – it causes excruciating pain. It's all in the mind, but I make them believe that they are on fire, being burned alive. It matches my past, and can be quite gleeful sometimes. Watching your Edward, for example. It made me smile."

I gasped and stepped out of her hold, glaring at her. I didn't miss the fact that she called him "my Edward," though.

"I can't with you, sadly, though. Tell me. What's wrong with your brain?" she asked me sweetly, her voice almost like a curious child. I wondered idly how old she was when she turned…

I snorted, turning my back toward Jane, and crossed my arms. "A shield. I can block other's powers."

Jane was silent behind me, and a loud quiet fell over us. It rang in my ears, almost painfully, and I wished Jasper would return.

"Well, Bella. We should be going. I'm sure Edward is eager to see you again, and I know Aro will be delighted to meet you." Disappointed resounded in her light tone. I know she wished she could hurt _me,_ and take amusement in that disgusting act of pleasure.

"Jasper. He's here, too. We should take him. Was Alice with Edward?"

"Yes, yes. Of course. Alice and the rest of the family are all in Volterra now, taking care of some loose ends. We'll wait for Jasper, I suppose. I assume you have a passport?"

The passport fell heavy in my pocket as I answered with a stiff nod, and the note, too, was silently growing more profound.

Jane smiled. "Good. Now, come." She grabbed my hand, bulky in her tiny one, and dragged me toward the general direction I was running from. My thirst, though, was under control now.

I wondered why we were going back though. Did she want people to know that we were vampires? Did she want people know about the blood sucking, murderous creatures?

Jane's dark and grim robes flowed behind her, dragging in the dirt. Her clutch around my wrist was tight, strong – I found myself surprised that she, as small as she was, could hold so firmly to a person twice the size as her.

Jane turned abruptly, then walked a little further before she stopped, pulling me next to her. In front of us was the fraying scene of the…murder? Of my front yard, at least. A few police quietly mourned, asking questions to bystanders. I could hear them, sadness evident in their voices. I was glad that the ambulance was gone, though – there was an exceptional amount of blood that lurked inside the vehicle, triggering the natural instinct to go and get it.

I was speechless, but Jane talked. "So your father's dead? I wonder who did that. It's sad." She didn't sound sad. In fact, she sounded almost _too_ innocent. Too monotone and played up. But I knew that Jane was being oddly nice to me – anyone who has red orbs and belongs to the Volturi can't be that nice. It was all an act because she wanted me to return to Volterra with her.

What surprised me, though, was that…Jasper was down there. I noticed him only after a minute of surveillance. He was hiding in the shadows, on the other side of my white house, watching intently. Through the darkness, I could see the strange mask of emotions playing on his face.

"Bella, be a doll, and go get him. We really do need to be on our way." I rolled my eyes and ran through the last of the trees, dodging them expertly. Jasper looked up at the sound of movement, and smiled faintly. That disappeared when he looked behind me, noticing Jane. I stopped beside him and quickly explained the situation – about the Volturi, about Jane, about Edward.

About how we would be there in a little less than a day…

Jasper never made eye contact with me, but kept his gaze trained on Jane, I assumed. He nodded when I finished, preparing to leave.

It was then that Jasper became immobile, freezing with a terrified expression on his face. The worst kind pain etched itself on his face, and I could almost see the flame burning in his eyes, like a man being burned alive.

I gasped as he let out a moan, falling to the ground. He grabbed his temples, rubbing them fiercely, and clutched his hands into fists. Tendons and veins popped out from underneath his thin and pale skin, and I could see how hard he was trying not to yell out.

I turned to Jane on the other side of the house, and stared wide eyed at her. She was doing this! And she was smiling at it!

Jasper cried out, dropping his head in between his knees. I sunk down beside him throwing a pleading glance at Jane. The few police men heard him, however, and ran quickly over to us.

I cursed, soothing Jasper, and hid my face behind a wall of brown hair.

"What's going on here?" A frantic voice asked from behind me.

"Nothing, nothing. It's fine." I answered quietly, my hands searching desperately to find something to make Jane stop.

"Look, girl. We've got a murder to investigate – we don't need some kids playing this off as a joke." Kids?! Joke!? Anger rolled through me, hot and fresh, and I turned myself around, coming to my feet in a blink of an eye.

Jasper was silent at my feet, and I could feel the heavy and ragged breathing he was emitting. I looked quickly over at Jane – she was smiling, leaning against a tree.

"How can you call me -" I glared murderously at the officers, showing the full intent of death in my eyes. I could feel myself turning into the blood craving, human wanting vampire – it came with the anger. "…a kid with a joke?" My voice was harsh and thick, throwing the men off balance. Their eyes grew wide and terrified, but I saw the comprehension spreading across their faces.

"Uhh…sorry, miss…we'll, uh, be going now…" One of them stuttered. The other nodded and walked slowly backward, holding his hands up in an act of defeat.

"Go for the kill, Bella," Jane's voice said behind me. I knew what she was doing, though – the logic in the back of mind nagged at me to not listen to her. I knew they would question me, ask me to join them, even. They were getting me ready.

The Volturi drank human blood, not animal.

But I didn't listen to the voice of reason, and took a step forward, the evil laugh from Jane urging me ahead. She appeared next to me, her light smile lighting her horrible features. Red lined my vision, and I became dizzy, their scent filling my senses.

The men turned and ran, to the car parked on the curb. I could see the other people scattering from my lawn, running at the murderous glares of Jane and I.

But what made me so angry, what made me want to do something horrible was the fact that I could also hear them talking… "Isn't that Bella Swan? What happened to her?"

The other replied, "I don't know. Isn't she supposed to be dead?"

I _was_ dead. Immortal. I didn't have a heartbeat, I drank the blood of stupid animals like them. I couldn't be considered a person – I was a killer, designed to lull in people like them with my terrifyingly gorgeous looks.

"She's so pale," one said as they slowed to a walk, glancing behind them.

"She looked dead, though. That's for sure. Did you see the look in her eyes, though? I thought she was going to murder us."

"Bella, don't." Jasper said at my feet. I let out a breath, their scent clinging to my mouth.

"Do it, Bella." Jane said.

"She looked good, though. Beautiful."

"That's for sure."

They laughed, and I was reminded of the scene in Port Angeles, with the men trapping me. Edward saving me.

They reached the side walk, then, and gave another look behind them.

"Wouldn't mind a girl like her, myself."

"Bella, no! Don't!" Jasper's hand became a restraining one around my wrist. He released it within seconds, giving off another howl of pain.

"Bella…kill them. Or I will." They were no witnesses around, but I had never tasted human blood. I hadn't ever planned on it, either. Could now be the time…?

"You know? I'm kinda glad her father is dead, even though she's supposed to be, too. Didn't like him much."

I growled, making my decision.

"Bella! DON'T!"

I ignored Jasper and lunged forward.

**xxx**

**Wow. Intense.**

**Anyhoo...the Twilight movie was brilliant! Jasper...sigh. I saw the midnight showing. I have lots to say on it, so if you want to talk, PM me! Also notice that I changed my pen name from **vampiresquebite **to **ellibobelli**. I'm just trying to make things uniform - my e-mail and such will also be this.**

**I thought I would also let you know that Edward is coming back in this fic! If not in the next chapter, then at least in seven. I've already written that chapter, and, let me tell you. It's not how I expected it to happen, even as the writer. :)**

**So, if you review, I'll give you a little sneak peek of Edward-ness. Because I'm oh so nice like that.**

**Elli**


	6. Chapter 6

**I don't own anything. :)**

**Bella POV**

**XXX**

In the time that I was sailing through the air – you can apply the term "sailing" only lightly, however – time almost seemed to stop. The weather almost seemed to cool down to frigid temperatures, even for a vampire, and my body almost went numb without time to propel it forward.

I figured I was too used to the stupid virtual reality that I had built around myself to realize that time hadn't stopped; I was too ignorant to realize that my temper had changed drastically when Edward left, and I was too idiotic to care enough about it to fix it. So, there I was, leaping toward the first humans that I never planned, nor wanted, to kill.

Reality wasn't with me, though, and that's what happened. I was dreaming, so translucent to the bona fide world that I figured I would wake up tomorrow from a terrible nightmare of three years.

Maybe I had ended up in a self-induced coma. Maybe a car crash, or another vampire attack. Or, if I was to be oh so lucky, vampires don't even exist. They're not supposed to, anyway.

The audible crack of a neck sent me spiraling back toward the pain and sting of life on Earth. I realized that there was a limp body in my arms - it was the police officer, the one who insulted my father.

I appraised his mangled body, disgusted in myself, finding it harder and harder to resist the blood that was pooling from his mouth. To resist fulfilling the knife that was being wedged down my throat – to resist the horrible thirst. His eyes were opened wide in a terrified look of vigilance, and his face had turned a white so pale that it rivaled even my own skin.

_I'm not the most dangerous thing out there, Bella,_ Edward had said to me – this thought was one that was constantly coming back to me. When Laurent was with me, with every reoccurring memory. Except, all those times, I was the damsel in distress.

Now _I_ was the most dangerous thing out there? I didn't want to believe it. I was always the weak and vulnerable human, the one who needed the most saving. Edward was always there for me, protecting me in ludicrous situations. He was the vampire that drank animal blood and tried so hard to be a decent person.

How had I taken such a 180? I'm sure Edward wouldn't want me back now, after I had killed a person, even if he was considering it before. No way would anybody want a terrible person like _me._

I took a deep breath, and, completely and totally sickened at myself, let the body roll from my hands and come to a rest on the damp and muddy ground. The cracking of stiff bones sent a shudder through me, and, for whatever reason, caused my fingers to tingle.

When I looked down, trying to find the source of the stinging prickles, there was blood staining my skin; it almost felt like it was seeping through it and soaking into my veins… The rims of my vision turned red and fuzzy as I willed my body a step back. I didn't breath, I didn't move anything besides my feet... It was just me – Jane and Jasper didn't exist. Bella Swan, the kind of vegetarian vampire, did.

But, damn. The blood…

I turned and ran, something I was doing a lot of lately. Only this time, instead of running away – though I was resisting the temptation of going back for the blood quite nicely at this point – I ran toward Jane and Jasper, where they were still hidden partially behind the house.

Jane looked practically appalled at my act of goodwill. Goodwill? Sure. Not drinking someone's blood can be considered goodwill.

And Jasper looked all together relieved.

"Bella," Jane snarled in my general direction. She threw a glance at Jasper, and he visibly cringed. "You can't just leave them there, can you?"

Them? Two officers were present – I only remembered killing one, though.

But, as I threw a withering glance at the sidewalk, there were two bodies; one with his neck at an absurd and unnatural angle, the other one looking, for the most part, normal. Expect for the face that we was…dead.

Oh, shit.

"I killed two." I whispered, mostly to myself. How did that even happen? – I could only recall snapping the neck of one; it was the one that complained about Charlie. I think his name was Fred; I remembered glancing at his vest with his nametag.

"One, two, what's the difference? It's not like you actually drank their blood or anything," But it was splattered all across my shirt, my hands. I was defying the completely horrible urge of licking it off. Ew.

"Two? Oh, yeah, just two more people _dead!_ Two more people that _I killed!_" I yelled into the night, forgetting the neighbors, forgetting the murder of Charlie. I was in cloud of rage, and it felt like it was radiating from all around me; although, that could have been Jasper toying my emotions. I wasn't exactly using my shield right now – the antagonism overlooked that fact.

Oh.

Jane smiled wickedly, like she could read my mind. But, more quickly than I had time to coherently put up my guard, I turned into a withering fizz of fire. It was honestly worse than the venom spreading while being transformed; it could only compare a human burning alive – that was my guess, at least. I shrieked out under the intense heat, the intense pain, while struggling to lift my shield enough to block it all out.

There was a knife being stabbed into my chest, a fire burning at my feet, venom spreading through me all at the same time. But it was utterly silent around me; it rang out with an incomprehensible force as I grabbed my head between my hands. But that small action only spread another wave of pain through me; this time, glass was shattering in my face, I was being thrown into blazing, sputtering flames, there were memories of Edward and I flooding in front of my vision.

It was all only minor, though – Jane's power was indescribable in the category of _pain._

My knees hit the ground, and I realized I had fallen. I heard Jasper's voice yelling something unintelligible in the general direction of my broken-feeling body, but I couldn't respond. I instead squeezed my eyes closed until dazzling fireworks showed themselves behind my eyelids, and clutched my fists, which crackled with dry blood. Crackling…fire…burn.

_It's all in your mind. It's all in your mind, _I chanted. Slowly, the fire extinguished, giving me full ability to my senses again. In a fourth of a second, I had my shield up, and could hear Jane's evil laughter echoing through my head.

I would kill her.

I stood up swiftly, barely moving a blade of grass in my obvious fury. Jane, that little witch. I wondered if she knew what she was putting people through, I wondered how she could just sit there and _laugh_ as people fell into her excruciating pain.

Jasper was next to me suddenly; two against one. "Jane," I snarled, venom in my voice. I felt threatening, powering. I, for the moment, forgot about Edward, forgot about Charlie, forgot about the weak and useless vampire that I had been two nights ago. I could kill Jane, beat her to the ground. She deserved it.

"Bella, dear, we really should be going. We're going to miss our plane," She said it so breezily, so careless. That just made me want to strangle her more – or better yet, decapitate her and burn the pieces.

"Jane, Jane, Jane," I said, crouching low. "I hope you realize how _stupid_ you've been. I know exactly what you've been trying to do – get me to be part of your little vampire family. But, Jane, I'm afraid your time has come." I hoped my voice wasn't shaking, and I prayed that I sounded threatening enough.

But Jane laughed. _She laughed. _"You can't honestly kill me. I'm far more powerful than you," She said. She was being so light, so easy. Like she didn't have a care in the world. She didn't think that I could really hurt her in any way. But I knew I could…I just had to put my mind to it, right?

"Don't be so confident, Jane," I sneered her name, my anger rising. In fact, I was absolutely fuming now – this evil little girl had _no right_ to be doing what she was doing. She came to _my_ house, killed _my_ father, made me kill _two_ humans.

I think I could spare one more murder for the night.

I lunged at her, and for that one-fourth of second that I was in the air, I felt that same high as before. The high that made me feel like it was all only a dream; but I felt the implicit reality of a perfect life crumbling around me like it was made of paper. A paper wall, what Edward was behind in my mind, a paper wall that framed my mentality in such a way that made me feel more powerful than what I actually was.

Jane smiled viciously, her red eyes sparkling. I had no idea where Jasper was or what he was doing; it was just Jane and I at that moment. I landed gracefully, thudding Jane to the ground, and pinned her down. I thought for sure that she would jump out of the way, or anything to let her get an easy victory. Once she had me pinned, it would be over…

Jasper was abruptly in front of me, crouching down beside Jane, his hands hovering around her head. He was ready for the kill; I wasn't.

Jane was wiggling under my grasp – I couldn't tell if it was a show or not. I knew Jane was stronger than I was, by far, and she could easily slide out from beneath me because of her tiny frame. But she didn't.

Maybe now was the time to just get this over with. Maybe now should be the time to just get rid of Jane – look at the plus side. I wouldn't have to deal with her anymore, right?

"Do it, Jasper," I whispered, looking Jane in the eye. She wasn't grinning, for once. Actually, she looked pretty terrified. The humorous gleam in her eye wasn't present anymore. Instead, a thin layer of fear glimmered in her red pupils. And for a second, I felt insanely guilty.

I couldn't really do this, could I? I knew Jane had killed my father, and, somehow, manipulated me into killing two police men. I was sure that I wouldn't do something like that on my own accord. But…she was willing to take me to Edward. Edward, who I needed. Edward, who was my life. Edward, who…wouldn't want me back. If I killed Jane, would I make myself go to Italy with Jasper? Would I sacrifice myself to them? Would I even have to, after killing one of their own?

"You're wavering in your decision, Bella. If you're going to do it, do it now," Jane whispered in her soft, child-like voice. I looked down at her; for once, she wasn't smiling evilly. It was more or less genuine. And her eyes were glimmering with the same terrifying layer of doubt, almost.

"Jasper." I said meekly, still staring at the petite vampire. "I don't know if I can."

"Bella, you have to," I didn't have to do anything. I didn't have to be grief stricken when Edward left, I didn't have to accept Jasper back into my life, I didn't have to trust Jane. I didn't have to kill her. I didn't have to murder the officers. "Bella, listen to yourself. Two seconds ago, you couldn't wait for her to be dead. And now you're giving her the benefit of the doubt?"

"It's not the benefit of the doubt. I know Jane is cruel and evil, and I'm not hesitating in that fact. But…I don't want to be cruel and evil by killing her, Jasper. I just…physically can't." I can't handle the extra stress on my mental stability, either. I was afraid that if one more thing was added to my belt of wrongs, I would be considered insane. I was fragile enough as is and –

"No!" Snap, crack. Silence.

I gasped and looked at Jasper. He…didn't. No. He wouldn't betray me like that. "Jasper, no. You didn't," I hoped. My eyes shimmered with the tears that I couldn't shed. Now more than ever, I think I would have needed those tears to fall. I needed to feel myself healing through them, like I could have when I was human. But now more than ever, also, I was completely numb.

Jasper smiled sheepishly. "Do you have any matches?"

I stared at him wide-eyed for a moment, horrified. In myself, in him. Jasper couldn't be used to just snapping the head off of another vampire. I didn't know his back story, but I was sure it couldn't be so brutal that this was second nature to him.

"In the house," I murmured. Jasper nodded briefly and stood up, dashing through the open front door. Within seconds he was back, carrying a lighter. He dropped it at my feet, then turned and went into the woods. Again, he returned, only this time he had a couple pieces of wood.

I stood up from Jane's limp body and turned so my back was facing it. I couldn't watch.

I looked up at the sky, and for the first time since I was little kid, I wished upon a star. I wished that my life could go back to normal, with no paper walls, with no vampires, with no violent killings of innocent people. I wished for Edward actually wanting me back, I wished for the death of myself – slow and painful, like I deserved. The stars twinkled brightly as I said this all in my head, and as I finished they glowed, as if they caught all my wishes and had them stored.

I heard the fire crackling behind me. It brought back the pain of Jane using her power on me, and the memories of being transformed. But it didn't matter. I was numb, completely and totally. I couldn't say I really enjoyed being numb, but it was better than the fiery tingles I was used to.

"Bella, maybe you should do something about the other bodies," Jasper said, placing a comforting hand on my shoulder. I nodded wordlessly and strode over to the sidewalk, where the blood was still pooling and the bodies were still laying.

I picked up both effortlessly and walked back to the fire, where Jane's remains couldn't be seen anymore. The strong smell of burning wood and campfire drifted its way around me, and the fire sputtered unnaturally as I dropped the two officers into it. I turned away again, feeling like I was going to be sick. If only.

"We should leave soon. I think there's a plane from Seattle that can bring us over the sea. From there, we'll have to wing it slightly," I nodded, glancing at Jasper from my peripheral vision. He was facing away from me, watching over the cackling fire. I stopped breathing when the smoke was becoming too heavy and closed my eyes.

What would I tell Edward? Would he care? Would he ask? Would I tell him, either way? I had no idea. I knew Edward wouldn't take me back. I knew he didn't love me, and I didn't believe a thing that Jasper told me otherwise. Time was running out for me, I knew, but I couldn't help but hoping Edward would still love me. He couldn't help falling in love with me, and I couldn't help falling in love him.

The smoke started billowing my way, rising over my head and covering the moon and stars. I sighed and crossed my arms over my chest. The sun would rise soon, and by then Jazz and I would probably be on a plane to Volturi. I didn't really want to go, though, now. I couldn't explain why.

"Okay. The fire is dying, so it should be good if we leave it. You can't see any…uh, remains." I nodded again, deciding that not talking was probably the best approach. "You have your passport, right?"

I rummaged through my pockets for a moment, and found the little blue book that would lead me to Edward. But something else fluttered to the ground from my pocket when I pulled the passport out…it was a little piece of creased paper, folded like a note. I wondered what it was briefly, and then it dawned on me. Edward's note. My lullaby. I picked it up swiftly and looked it.

"You go, Jasper. I'll find you." I saw Jasper disappear without a departure and I turned to the fire. There were a couple flames still struggling to hold on, but mostly it was smoke and ashes. I speculated how big the fire actually had to get to burn the bodies that quickly, but I dismissed the thought.

I stuffed the passport back in my jacket pocket and started to leave. But, with one last withering glance at my house, I walked up to the dying fire and threw the letter into the flames. It sputtered and crackled for a moment, throwing fits of sparks into the air, and then calmed down again.

"Goodbye, Charlie. Goodbye, everyone. I'm so sorry, though, Edward. I love you," I whispered the ashes.

Then I was gone, leaving my old life behind.

**XXX**

**Lala. I knew that Jane could have used her power on Jasper, and I knew that she could easily beat Bella, but I didn't really know how to write a vampire fight, so I left it. I was too lazy to really try, anyway. :)**

**Three things: **

**One, I'm thinking of getting a beta. Besides Lily, would anybody be interested? Two, do you guys want me to write someone else's view? Edward's, Jasper's? Bella is wearing me out, but if you like it, I'll continue to write her. And third, I'll give you bonus points if you can name the two song refrecences I used. They're practucally in the same sentence, hint, hint. **

**Review, please and thanks.**

**Elli**


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